SATURDAY MARCH 28, 2020 2:53 pm
Our puppy Jagger is sleeping and I realize it’s my chance to sit down and write. It’s been hard to do anything for myself with an 11 week old English Bulldog in charge. He doesn’t like to be in his crate unless he’s narcoleptic, so I just let him ruin virtual workout classes by attempting to rip my hair out or pee on the yoga mat (which he did both of today). It’s a small price to pay for moments like now where I look over to see my precious prince peacefully napping in his cute pink bed making little bulldog snores. He’s perfect. Even when he’s not.
I’m thru my massive anxiety spell I think. I hope. I panicked for 7 days straight because I lost my sense of smell and taste, causing 238 people to send me articles about how that’s a corona virus symptom and letting me know I had it. My smell and taste thankfully came back a few days ago so I’m feeling much better. It might’ve been all in my head. I’m also a hypochondriac so it’s a pretty difficult time for people like me. I hope your thoughts and prayers are with me.
Every morning I’d wake up feeling like a baby rattle shaking me from the inside out and after having a level 10 panic attack which made me think I was going to die, I called my psychiatrist who promptly upped my anti-anxiety meds and prescribed me with some Ativan. I haven’t taken any of the Ativan yet and hope I won’t have to since it’s a slippery slope for my sobriety, but it feels good to have in case of an emergency. Just the security of knowing it’s there is calming in of and itself. That’s the hard thing about sobriety and getting pills, you have to be really honest with yourself if you really need the pill, as opposed to just wanting to take it for “a little anxiety” that likely will pass. Only for major physical panic attacks. What’s really lowered my anxiety is staying away from all corona-related articles and videos. I still receive them incessantly, but try not to open, read, or watch every one of them all day long, maybe just 3 out of 20. I need a balance of staying informed while keeping my sanity.
On a lighter note, a pink furry Pamela Anderson-90’s-esque robe I ordered from Pottery Barn Teen arrived that’s hideous but I decided to keep because returning mail seems too annoying in the current climate. And now I have a fun robe to take Jaggy out in.
I miss going outside. I sit on my balcony to get sun, and sometimes go outside on walks when I can, but Jagger can’t go on walks until he gets all his vaccines. So I’ve been staying inside and watching him while my Husband is out and about, drinking coffee, making calls and writing in his car. He wakes up at 6am to be with Jaggy and then I take the afternoon shift. I’d rather sleep in. My skin needs to repair itself.
Some days I look cute and some days I look like a middle-aged housewife with no makeup and dirty hair, shuffling around in Amazon pink fleece slippers while I clean up dog shit and chop onions. It just depends on my schedule that I don’t really have.My day looks like this: Wake up around 10am, change Jagger’s pee pads, let him bite me for about an hour while I check my phone, fight with my husband about how I can’t respect his boundaries while he works from home, eat an almond butter cookie I baked 2 days ago for breakfast with an oat milk latte, AA meeting on Zoom or Workout Zoom, puppy playtime, wash 1000 dishes, cook lunch, look at my stomach in the mirror and feel insecure about how much cheese I’ve been eating, read a book outside in the sun while Jaggy naps by my feet, google recipes, receive 132 group texts from my family about the Corona Virus, get mad at myself for not writing or working out enough, think about taking out my arts and crafts supplies to make Jaggy a sign above his water bowl but never getting around to it, resent my husband for not being homeso I can go on a walk while he watches the dog, clean Jaggy’s pee or poop off the carpet indoors at least 3x, make dinner and photograph it, send those food photos to my family group chat and a few friends who didn’t ask to see the photos, tell my Husband we should have sex “soon”, watch a movie or the Tiger King doc, try to put Jaggy to sleep and ignore his cries in the crate which breaks my heart.
Thursday March 19th, 2020 10:30am
(*I wrote this short entry before we got Jagger, just found it on my computer)
Having chocolate covered strawberries and an oat milk latte as I watch the pouring rain. It was hard to sleep, knowing a puppy might be arriving today. The girl who’s bringing him keeps dicking us around.
I feel like I can’t trust anyone who’s selling a puppy. I have a hard time trusting people in general, I’m not sure where that came from. Obviously childhood, like everything else, but from who?