How To Get Your Teeth As White As The Oscars

Why am I writing this? Because I love oral care and you should too.


Look at me


Look at my teeth



Your smile and teeth is one of the first things that people notice and judge you on. Everyone judges everyone so you might as well be like “sorry I’m gorgeous!” and then they’ll be like… “carry on.” 0E54FA1900000578-0-image-a-3_1437410880708

Having a nice bright smile is super achievable if you’re not a lazy disgusting slob. Everyone likes someone who takes care of themselves- thats how you get to have sex with the lights on and breakfast served in bed. If you want to be hot and superior to everyone, I suggest following these super simple tips to get your teeth on pearly point. You will likely get a promotion and raise with your new teeth, so I hope you like corner offices.

My number one tip is FLOSSING.girl-flossing-teethFlossing means showing off AND getting shit out of your teeth. I have been obsessively flossing since high school because once a popular jock sitting on the hood of his dads Porsche told me I had a poppyseed in my tooth. I was so mortified that I’ve carried floss on me at all times ever since. I’ll never forget when I went out clubbing in Miami at 17 without a purse and tied a string of floss on the side of my thong Survivor style bringing the one thing that mattered most to the island. I floss every single time after I eat, which my dentist notices and therefore I am the favorite. You could be the favorite too! If you’re not flossing you’re letting plaque and food build up between your teeth which has never been cool and I’m sorry that you’re at an Oral Bottom.




If you could brush after every time you ate that would be the dopest. Make sure you have a good brush and replace it every 2 months or whenever it looks haggard.
Brushing two times a day was a weird rumor that someone who didn’t want you to be your best started. Brushing (at least) 3x a day is only if you want to be a sought after object of desire. I think my record was 6 times a day and I have no regrets, just blocked phone numbers from how gorgeous I looked.

TOOTHPASTE – There are plenty of toothpastes out there to help enhance and whiten your teeth. My personal favorite is Arm and Hammer Baking Soda and Peroxide. It tastes like success and and childhood attention from your parents (I would imagine).


MOUTHWASH –  It’s one of the quickest and only ways to feel fresh as fuck. It helps to kill bacteria, bad breath and keeps your mouth v clean. I highly suggest rinsing after each time you brush, eat and throughout the day for a quick pick me up.


Crest White Strips- Every few months I’ll use these for a touch-up. It removes stains from drinking tea and my bulimic past. It’s the fastest and easiest way out there to whiten your teeth.


Baking Soda. It’s not just for cooking crack anymore. Wet your toothbrush, dip it into a little bowl of baking soda, then brush your teeth for a couple minutes. Do this a few times a week and no one will ever mistake you for Valet again.


Straws. Coffee and tea are one of the leading ways to stain your teeth, so if you drink thru a straw it helps to keep them white.


-I don’t drink coffee because it tastes gross and makes your teeth yellow. So does soda, which is only meant for fat children from the south.

-Cigarettes are for losers and you should quit them because they make your teeth look like sticks of butter and butter is only cool on movie theater popcorn.


-Dentist visits are important because we all need professional help with cleaning. I think you should go twice a year.

-If none of this seems to work for you, I can’t help you. A professional whitening service can but I don’t know anything about that because I floss after every meal.


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