I live in an apartment complex with several crazy tenants and Cops are called constantly to the scene of the domestic crime of the week. This week’s call was because my schizophrenic neighbor thought this crazy meth couple had a gun and the gracelessly balding psychotic controlling boyfriend was going to shoot the stylish and tight-bodied yet manic-depressive escort girlfriend.

I ran into a group of Cops outside my building as I arrived one morning by Uber in a walk of shame outfit from the night before, clutching a chocolate croissant that I made the Uber driver stop to pick up at Le Pain Quotidien, after coming from a crib where I just fucked a dude who’s Bar Mitzvah theme was “Watching TV.” That theme choice is kind of why I fucked him though. I love strong Bar Mitzvah themes.

Makeup-less and drained from sex, I hung out with the cops talking shit and getting their advice on my latest run-in with the schizophrenic neighbor who had called the Cops today: The night prior I got off work around 11 pm and was walking up to my apartment when this crazy bitch was HIDING IN THE DARK SHADOWS WAITING for me. I gasped when I saw her and said, “Oh you scared me there,” she replied, “I know. I meant to.” Um…………………………………………….…ok? Then she accused me of jingling pipes at 3am in the basement. I let her know I didn’t smoke meth. Who jingles pipes? No one. Bitch went full retard. Then she threatened me that I would be in big trouble if I did it again. Bitch I never even been in the basement, that’s some scary movie shit. Who goes in the basement? The only basement I’m going in is if someone has chains, whips and a strong Bar Mitzvah theme.

So I was just getting the cops advice on that issue, which their reply was to move, but I don’t feel like it because I’m super into my apartment and there’s mirrors in my bedroom on the closet doors and I constantly need validation that I look good naked from them mirrors. I know I got ghetto there, when I’m angry I like to get ghetto, it brings me back to the realization that I’m from a white privileged upper middle class family from Westchester, New York. My town was so Jewish that this girl in my grade got a Tiffany’s bracelet when she got her period. Anyways, the Cops thought I was fun and extended an invitation for a Ride Along because they said I would be good company.

They were also super down to watch me do stand up and handed me several of their business cards to follow up with them so we could continue our new friendship outside of my apartment complex. I emailed the COP (he asked me not to use his name in this story, just gonna call him COP) about the Ride Along and we scheduled it for a few days later.


I arrived at the West Hollywood Police Station at 10am and parked in the Official Business parking space as directed. I wore black skinny jeans, knee high leather boots, a navy cashmere sweater and a leather jacket. Hair was down, face caked in sensual yet suitable makeup, minimal lip color to blend in with the other female cops. Left the Chanel bag at home to be more street, but I don’t own any Pedestrian purses so I put everything I need in my jacket pocket, which consisted of $40, my ID, dental floss and lip-gloss. I don’t go anywhere without my floss. When I was 18 and would go clubbing and to expensive dinners with older men in South Beach, I would just tie a piece of floss on the side of my thong when I had no purse. The more you know.

I checked in at the front desk and had to sign a waiver agreeing to risk my life. Fuck it. Ride or die.

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About an hour later I realized the COP had a bulletproof vest on and I didn’t – so I felt like 50 Cent and was ready to set a new record of 10 bullets deep if shit got crazy on the street. After signing the form, the cop brought me thru the back and I saw the holding cell, used their shitty bathroom, and tried to go in the Evidence room but he wouldn’t let me. The station was boring as fuck so we went in his car to start the day.

I waited in shotgun while he went to use the bathroom and took a shotgun selfie in the police parking lot.


COP’s car was kind of dirty inside and had tons of bags of nuts. Nothing wrong with protein. The Cops leave the Cop cars in the lot and drive their regular cars to work in the morning, except the stations captain drives a black Dodge Charger around all the time because he’s stylish yet inconspicuous.

Then he came back to the car 10 minutes later because I think he took a shit and said he needed breakfast. We went to Astro Burger so he could get some kind of wrap that I watched him eat on top of the trunk of his car in their parking lot. I had tea. Cop life.

I asked him a bunch of questions throughout the day and this is what I learned:

He starts work at 6am and works until 4pm, and usually does a 10-hour shift everyday. He wanted to be a cop since he was around 15 and grew up in a bad part of LA. He watched his dad get arrested when he was 3 and that triggered him into wanting to be a cop. Now he’s 32 and has been on the force for 8 years.

ME: What annoys you as a cop?

COP: People’s driving habits and doing what they want.

ME: Where do you go to the bathroom since you drink so much coffee throughout the day?

COP: Everyone goes wherever they feel comfortable. Sometimes 711. No one has ever turned me down.

ME: What’s the deal with donuts, is that a real thing cops eat or a stereotype?

COP: I try to stay away from donuts. I like cookies. They’re my weakness. Do you eat donuts? You look healthy.

ME: Healthy means fat, are you saying I’m fat?

COP: What?

ME: Do you ever drive by someone really slow and stare them down just to fuck with them?

COP: All the time, that’s our job to observe them.

ME: Do you wear a seatbelt or nah?

COP: Of course

ME: How much does your belt weigh?

COP: 25 pounds

ME: Do you get a lot of free massages?

COP: I don’t get massages unless their happy endings.


After he finished eating we cruised around for a few hours looking for people to bust. He said there are always a lot of troublemakers in the parking lot of McDonalds on La Brea and Lexington. What kind of loser hangs out in the McDonalds parking lot? I hope all of my ex boyfriends do and eat old food out of the garbage and get fat and have Psoriasis and high blood pressure. We also had to drive by several parks and watch people who were in there to make sure they weren’t being shady. He questioned a few homeless aka transient people in one of the parks who were nodding out. He looked them up on his computer to make sure they didn’t have any warrants out. One of them had some fine for Cocaine. Cocaine is the finest white bitch I’ve ever tasted. But homeless coke probably isn’t as glamorous as Hollywood Hills party coke.





The COP was low key playing rap music on 93.5 and was surprised when he heard I love rap and had assumed I was a basic bitch who liked Katy Perry or Taylor Swift, which was stereotypical and untrue. “Nah, I like rap,” I said, and then he became attracted to me I think. I can never tell if people like me. But I think he did.



The whole day was pretty boring honestly, nothing cool happened. I guess it’s hit or miss like working as a stripper and not knowing if a money customer will come in or not. We pulled over 3 people – the first two people were for stupid reasons and I felt like he was just trying to give me something to witness. The third person he pulled over had their car towed for expired registration. All we did was drive around weird alleyways and streets I’ve never seen looking for trouble. He was really interested in my past as a party girl.

Looking shit up


We used the bathroom at Sunset Marquis, where he often frequents to use the restroom. We went to 711 as well to use the bathroom and I got VIP bathroom access into their disgusting Employees Only room. Cop Perks.



It had been 4 hours of aimless driving around and I got bored and wanted to bounce but he didn’t want me to leave. I said I had to go home and do laundry and he offered to take me home so I could put the clothes in and then get back in the car, but I declined.

He said it’s much better at night and we will do it again so I can see more action. I guess West Hollywood is just boring but I was grateful I got to go and see what it was like nonetheless.


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