When taking a dick pic, take it from the underside. It makes it look bigger and often features a daunting vein, which says business. Blood flow business.

When guys eat a lot of food it’s hot.

Don’t talk shit about other guys, it doesn’t read well.

Stop looking at me in the eyes when you go down on me, this is my moment not ours.

Bitches LOVE flowers.

Bitches love compliments.

Bitches like almost getting stitches aka dominate these bitches.

Girls don’t like being called bitches.

We both know it’s never just the tip.

Be confident and if you’re not then fake it. I have this conversation with girls all the time about wanting confident guys. But don’t be cocky or too cool for school because that’s not hot.

Make a point to talk to my girlfriends if you don’t know them when we are all hanging out.

Don’t talk about how rich you are. It’s not hot. Just be cool and nice.

Please don’t ever complain about your weight or the way you look.

Hold the door open for me. Anything that has a door. Car. Restaurant. Your bedroom. Chanel.

I don’t like burping. I don’t think other girls do too and if they “don’t mind it” then they probably do it themselves. Class up bitch.

Tell me how good I look dressed and undressed.

Contrary to popular belief, it’s actually not funny when cum gets in a girl’s eye. It hurts and their eye will be bloodshot all day (so I’ve heard).

Go down on girls and then make out with them because they’re bi-curious and it’s like killing two birds with one stone but no girl dies and she just gets to see what her pussy tastes like.

Make sure your nails are trimmed.

You can’t just stick your dick inside a girl without making her wet and don’t assume she is without touching her.

Don’t jack hammer my pussy. Don’t go from side to side like your cross-country skiing.

When pizzas on a bagel you can eat pizza anytime.

Don’t tell us our friends are hot. We already know they are.

Calling girls to ask them out instead of texting is dope.


Don’t try to make us jealous because you’re insecure.

The second you put your dick inside a girl: BEWARE of EMOTIONS to follow.

I don’t believe in game playing or rules. If you want to see someone then call them.

Don’t buy deep V-necks unless your Greek then I guess it’s cultural or whatever.

Don’t tell us about your past relationships or girls you’ve fucked. Really don’t care.

If we are on a date and you run into someone you know and start talking for awhile, introduce me so I don’t stand there with nothing to do and have to text someone, which will be my gf to complain about this moment.

Never and I mean never shave off all of your pubic hair. It doesn’t make your dick look bigger.

Don’t say your going cum over and over and then take 10 more minutes.

Don’t try to secretly put it in my ass by fucking me really hard and “accidentally” slip because that really hurts.

One time a guy asked me when he was going to see me again at the end of a date and it was really cute. Doesn’t work it we don’t like you though. Then it’s like UGH never!

If you don’t go down on a girl you’re a terrible person.

Send me a dick pic so I can show it to my gf’s and have something to talk about so we feel like we are so Sex and the City.

FYI – No one likes Miranda on Sex and the City. Just a random fact.

Don’t take too long on purpose to answer texts because that’s stupid and we are texting our girlfriends wondering what we did wrong.

Clean your fucking bathroom. Why are there so many little hairs on your sink? It’s fucking gross.

If you don’t need to wear Magnums, please be real about it and stop. Just stop.

If you pull out a Magnum we feel like Charlie Bucket discovering a Golden Ticket.

Guys who have big dicks – when you don’t mention having one and it’s a discovery for us like Lewis and Clark on a sexual expedition, that’s so cool. And let us do the whole “Oh my god you know it’s big!” and just pretend back, “is it?”

If your dick is small, make a lot of money.

If your dick is average, be really good in bed.

If your dick is big, you can treat girls like shit for the rest of your life and they will keep coming back.

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  1. Jordan Hepner says:

    Marry me, Bitch!

  2. i love chelsea skye says:

    you are hilarious and i love you. please please please write more (often)

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