THURSDAY – THE NIGHT BEFORE THE CLEANSE
I just finished what will be my last “real meal” until Monday. I prepared a frozen Trader Joes pizza, which I disguised in crushed red pepper and roasted asparagus because I’m almost positive that no one will be going down on me tonight. Anyone who says asparagus doesn’t make their pee smell weird is a liar and has a fucked up depreciated sense of smell. Sometimes I forget I ate asparagus, pee and wonder if it’s Chlamydia or perhaps a bacterial infection, but then I’m like, ‘Oh wait, its only asparagus’ so I call and cancel my Metrogel prescription at Rite Aid.
Tomorrow I will be starting a juice cleanse for three days. It’s the first of hopefully never again. I don’t like eating healthy. I love pizza, pasta, hamburgers, French fries, burritos, anything fried and/or covered in sauce, butter and ketchup on everything, cookies, brownies, straight pounds of sugar like cocaine; anything that would make a bulimic want to throw up is what I like. No promo. Note to self: get to the dentist and clean my toilet.
I’m purely doing this to look super skinny for when I go to Cannes. I don’t really care about cleansing my body. I was an alcoholic and drug addict for 10 years; do you think I care about how I treat my body? Once I even let a white dude with dreadlocks finger me. I’m purely doing this for an Italian guy to notice me on a yacht in the south of France and say to his friend, “Hey do you think her breasts are real with that body?” Yes Giacomo, they are. They’re real and they’re spectacular. Thank you for noticing.
Nah, none of that is true.
(But it is)
In all seriousness I just want to look good. No problem with that. Just feeling aspirational. Not putting-positive-post-it-notes-on-my-mirror aspirational like a girl in her mid-late 20’s who realizes that all of her friends around her are getting married but she can’t seem to meet anyone over 6’2″ which is a strong personal preference so she just spends every night alone and then has a text conversation with one of her girlfriends who tells her that she needs to be putting positive vibes out there and she wonders if that’s done with a post-it note like she’s seen on her mother’s divorced friends mirrors in their bathrooms, just starvation aspirational. What’s with those post-it notes? Does that shit work? How do you put out positive vibes? Asking for a friend.
Here is the “account” of my cleanse aka my thoughts while being famished for 3 days.
Just got out of bed and I’m hungry as fuck. I have smeared eye makeup all over my face but leave it there because I feel edgy every time I look in the mirror. I wish I could eat an English muffin with butter and a cup of tea. Instead I’m about to drink some green drank. Within 1 minute I spilled half of the bottle all over my $3000 couch (someone bought it for me). I am sort of livid but serial killer livid, which is calm as fuck on the outside but insanely angry on the inside. I remind myself that there have been worse fluids on the couch. I also spilled it all over my Barbie Pj’s and now I’m drinking it naked on the couch and writing. I feel like a sexy advertisement for Juice Cleanses/promiscuous anorexic with a dirty couch. I just spilled more green juice, this time all over my naked breasts. Oops.
It took me 40 minutes to drink and clean up the green juice. It had cayenne in it which burned my throat and reminded me of my bulimic days when I had food.
Just noticed my curling iron in the bathroom and it made me horny. Just the sight of it. I’ll take another juice.
Just realized I’m not eating food today. Hungry.
Just saw myself naked in the mirror, was pleased.
Just realized I was single, disappointed.
I’m so fucking hungry. My next juice looks like fucking mud. I’ve been fantasizing about eggrolls all day and huge plates of Chinese food. Who signed me up for this? Why am I fucking doing this? Everyone else has had lunch and enjoyed it. Roots are disgusting. I feel like a rabbit drinking this. A deprived anorexic rabbit.
Just noticed how skinny I am looking. I may never eat food again.
Doubting everything in the world. I want a fucking Chinese feast. Why am I drinking chlorophyll l? Why the fuck am I drinking plants? Why does God think I need so much oxygen?
Just bought a vintage Chinese dress I want to have tailored. The type of dress that a hot Asian chick wears in a massage parlor in a Jean-Claude Van Damme movie. Never actually seen one of his movies though. Thought it would be too racist and obvious if I said a Jackie Chan movie. There, I said it. Did they do a movie together? Does Jackie Chan still make movies?
Just realized I haven’t eaten anything all day.
Trying on shorts and they’re all too big. What the fuck is Chinese food. I feel like a sexy 12-year old. Note to self: get in some chat rooms when I get home and see what kind of predators I can catch.
(Some of my favorite HOW TO CATCH A PREDATOR screen grabs:)
I’ve been in this dressing room for at least 20 minutes and I’m trying to figure out how to fuck myself because I’m so hot and skinny.
Just bought a dog collar. TGIF.
I want pasta. I want to eat everything in sight. I am over this. I have no will power or self-control. This honor system is fucking lame. I want macaroni and cheese. This was a fun experiment but why can’t I eat.
Driving erratically. Everything around me looks like food. I hallucinated and thought I saw Usher. Was just a regular black dude in a hat. Wait I must have thought he was Pharell.
I just almost ate a chip.
I want ice cream. There’s some in my fridge. I’m freezing.
I cracked. Eating a handful of tortilla chips. They’re fucking delicious. Food is fucking awesome. The handful is gone. Just ate a second handful. Took the first one for granted.
I broke my fast because I’m not Jewish.
Third handful of chips. I never said I was a strong person. I’m tired and have a headache. The salt on the chips tastes so good. They taste like tears.
I cheated. I couldn’t be honest. I couldn’t hold out. I ate three handfuls of blue corn tortilla chips from Trader Joes. I am a monster. My body will never take me back after I cheated on it. I will manipulate it with another juice. But a cheater is always a cheater and I will be back for more food soon.
This entire day was fucking stupid. I don’t want to do it all over again tomorrow, but It’s already in my fridge and I don’t want to be a pussy. It made me tired and now I can’t go out. I’m just on my couch drinking Aloe Vera water and watching Netflix. Side effects of cleanse: I wish I had a dog. What’s up with those dogs that always look so wet? Like they fell into a dog bowl of water? Why are they always shaking? Is that a post-rescue thing or….?
I’m not hungry but there is a plate of cookies in front of me at the hair salon and I want to eat all of them in a bulimic rage.
The hair stylists at the salon are taking about two dozen cupcakes and willpower. I’m thinking about murder.
Being anorexic, I mean on a juice cleanse, is so fucking boring. I am isolating myself and ignoring my text messages. I don’t know what I feel like I’m capable of doing. I’m so dramatic. I just got my hair dyed darker. Not sure how I’m feeling.
Now eating carrots and celery because I don’t give a fuck anymore. Fuck juice cleanses.
A glass of Pellegrino just smelled weird. Is that a normal side effect of anorexia?
In other Breaking News: The roots drink is fucking disgusting. It tastes like a dead rabbit that was raped in a pile of dirt. Don’t question this. I just know these things. Too much though?
Do I have friends?
Just backed into a fence in my car because I was looking at myself in the mirror. Scratches everywhere.
Just accidentally ripped the toilet seat cover contraption off the wall in a public restroom. Strong as fuck.
I want pasta. Why am I doing this? What am I trying to prove? I will eat the unhealthiest food immediately when this is over and never look back.
I’m so antisocial. I don’t want to hang out or talk to anyone. I just want to be on my couch like a zombie. I also want pizza.
I really want more of those tortilla chips from yesterday. This whole thing is fucking stupid.
Eating a pile of chips because I don’t give a fuck.
These chips are fucking awesome.
Eating chips and salsa because I don’t give a fuck.
I regret eating the chips and salsa. My emotions got the best of me. I was in a heated conversation with my friend and had no one to turn to. I turned to chips and salsa and they turned on me.
Now eating chocolate chips because I’m not supposed to and I like breaking the rules.
Just realized I have a thing for chips – tortilla and chocolate.
I just threw up all over my pajamas. Guess I wasn’t supposed to eat.
No one will ever want to marry me with my slutty Instagram photos 😦
“People who have eating disorders don’t do juice cleanses” -my mom being funny
I feel good
It has not occurred to me once today that I haven’t eaten. And that’s cool with me.
This beet juice got my lips lookin like a Native American found some berries for lipstick
Ate more chips because that’s what I do on cleanses. Chip cleanse.
I love my new thighs so much.
MONDAY – THE AFTERMATH
Eating the fuck out of an English muffin with butter
I honestly wanted to go another day on the cleanse but I had my Groundlings class tonight and wanted to have some mental energy, plus one of my boobs was getting smaller than the other. Then the Italians on the yacht may think, “Does one of those breasts look bigger than the other on that obnoxious American girl who has no friends?” Juice cleanses give a great result though. I feel a lot more toned and healthy, but I’m going to probably ruin it all because I like to eat bad foods. Oh well. I will totally do it again but probably not forever.