I don’t like working in sales. I’m only good at sales when its the young bodies of immigrants looking for a better life in America. They meet me down by the Seaport, someone seemingly nice with the ability to walk in six inch heels and a strong growing Chanel collection. I promise the pursuit of happiness and freedom if they come to my dungeon in Midtown and work for 16 hours on end for the elite business men of New York, exhausted and starving, but still determined to be fed something other than bodily fluids. The trick is to just give them Pedialyte instead of feeding them, it gives them electrolytes and makes them skinnier.
None of that is true actually except that I don’t like Real Estate.
ONE DAY I was talking about how manipulative I am, when someone suggested I try real estate. So I worked at this really shitty Real Estate office for about a week, then decided I would just get my license so I could work at a BO$$ Office and make a ton of money.
I imagined my life in Real Estate would become being chauffeured around in an Escalade showing all cash buyers from the Middle East million dollar listings while wearing 6 inch YSL Heels (or Louboutins if they were Russians or music producers), tight pencil skirts and sexy camisoles. It actually turned out to be me working in an office with a bunch of frat guys who sexually harassed me and I never made any money. Sorry if the dudes I worked with saw this, but you know what you did. It wasn’t cool either. I know I put out this vibe like I’m a down B, but sometimes I just need to wear that low-cut shirt to make that sale with my customer or not to feel bad about dressing like a school girl in the office, which I knew was inappropriate, but I couldn’t let go of all these pleated miniskirts I had for SS2013.
I “worked” in Real Estate for about six months, aka ate all of the free office candy, made “important” phone calls to “potential” clients and attended fancy open houses. The only thing cool about working in Real Estate in New York City is that you have no idea what’s going to be behind a door and you get to see a lot of amazing places you would have never known existed. Plus you can get keys to almost any available apartment in the city, so I kind of felt like the Mayor.
Something I liked about my company was that they offered a Neighborhood Certification program, where you take a class to learn about a neighborhood and then have a 2-hour walking tour. I learned a lot of really interesting stuff: stars on the side of brick buildings serve as tie rods, you know if a lantern in NYC is original if there is a crest on the side, Washington Square Park has thousands of dead bodies buried under it, Minetta River flows two miles underground from Washington Square Park up 5th Avenue.
BUT, working in Real Estate for me was a waste of time. Making tons of phone calls and arrangements for someone who doesn’t even follow thru with renting an apartment deserves a beating. It would take hours to set up appointments and show apartments to someone and then they would cancel like I wasn’t the mayor of NYC, when I had all the keys to prove I was.
The WORST thing about working for a corporate company is that I didn’t feel like I could be myself. I essentially couldn’t post anything on the internet and that felt like it was stifling my creativity. It actually made me feel really depressed. There’s nothing worse than feeling like you can’t be yourself because you signed some dumb contract which states you have to be boring as fuck. So, I had to quit that. I’m about making crazy videos and writing whatever I want on the internet and I’ve never been happier. I need creative expression and real estate didn’t allow that. I don’t want to “creatively” make an advertisement about an apartment. One time I got in trouble for posting on my Facebook that I would “show an apartment in a hot outfit” and was told to take it down. I’m not about that life.
I’M ABOUT THIS LIFE NOW: