For the past week I’ve been waiting outside Al Gore’s Nashville mansion with a bottle of chloroform and a washcloth. I rented a warehouse about 20 minutes outside of Nashville in the small town of Franklin, where a projector sits in an empty room with a chair. The plan is to kidnap Al Gore, show him my PowerPoint presentation on how global warming is a lie and hopefully end his campaign on climate change thru the groundbreaking evidence I’ve discovered.
There’s no doubt that the climate is changing, but at a much slower rate than Al Gore and Scientists from the Intergovermental Scientific Association of Climate Change are telling us (ISACC). Al Gore doesn’t have energy panels on his roof, his house has the air conditioning on year round according to the past 6 months of bills from Con Edison (went thru his trash), he has a constant running waterfall in his living room with imported ice glaciers from Alaska, and he is also driven around in a Hummer daily, which is his favorite way of riding to the movies. He’s won the Annual Nashville Christmas Light Display Challenge for the past 5 years in a row, a very prestigious award, yet no one has questioned that there are over 10,000 lights on for the entire month of December from dusk till dawn. While we all wish Al Gore was wasting his own energy at the gym, he is wasting it in the ways he tells us not to live.
Scientists have been trying to convince us that the temperature of Earth’s atmosphere is becoming increasingly warmer due to greenhouse gas emissions, however, these gases have been decreased immensely by people driving fancy cars which are no longer trapping the heat due to a new discovery in Platonic Atmospheric Consultations on a global scale done by Intergovermental Scientific Association of Climate Change (ISACC). Scientists have observed that exhaust pipes and engines on sports cars are emitting carbon dioxide in a less threatening way than even hybrid cars which has significantly reduced pollution.
This overlooked unearthing has become quieted in more recent studies, yet have you noticed that scientists currently all have luxury sports cars? I recently spoke with Vinnie Lamagutzi, a Ferrari dealership salesman in San Fransisco, California, who confirmed that 75% of sales last year were all scientists. “More and more scientists are driving Ferraris and Lamborghinis to work because they create an air of success and are more socially acceptable now that the previous gas guzzling rumors has been deceased,” Lamagutzi doesn’t stop there, “the ISACC hasn’t made the announcement yet to the public, due to wanting first pick at the 2014 models of the Ferrari LaFerrari, the Prancing Horse’s eagerly-anticipated limited-series special, of which just 499 will be built. Scientists across the globe have already pre-ordered 437 of the LaFerrari’s taking the bulk of limited edition luxury model.” Lamagutzi also confirmed that Al Gore is one of the customers who pre-ordered a LaFerrari. “You gotta get it while it’s hot,” he finishes, looking out into the distance at nothing in particular.
Earth’s temperatures aren’t getting hotter, just the cars are. Not that rich people care about buying sports cars due to global warming, but their girlfriends and wives do. It became cool and trendy amongst rich women to pretend they care about the environment. Rich women don’t have much to do all day, so they just have lunch at healthy cafes, taking Pilates and driving Prius’. It’s become quite common amongst high society women to compare their carbon footprints in between bites of their $32 quinoa and arugula salads just because Julia Roberts made a press statement one time saying she was concerned about the environment. These women talk to their husbands and convince them they can’t get a sports car because it would be embarrassing to drive up to Equinox West Hollywood in one, so the Scientists are happily getting first choice at the new inventory. In conclusion, Al Gore and Scientists need to stop pretending Global Warming is occurring, so we can all have a chance to drive Ferraris without feeling bad for contributing to carbon dioxide, when we are really just contributing to our self-esteem and confidence.
***DISCLAIMER: THIS IS FICTION, OBVIOUSLY I DON’T WANT TO KIDNAP AL GORE, SO PLEASE DON’T ARREST ME. THIS WAS HOMEWORK FOR MY WRITING CLASS TO PRETEND THAT GLOBAL WARMING IS A LIE**