I AM ADDICTED TO PRODUCTS AND I DON’T NEED HELP. YOU DO.

If you walked into my apartment, the fridge is empty but the bathroom shelves are fully stocked. I don’t collect art, I collect products. They don’t even need to be expensive, I just need to surround myself with tons of products. Long bottles, short bottles, clear bottles, attractive labels in neon colors, oils, lotions, balms, creams, cremes, serums, sprays, spritz’s. Anything you can apply to the exterior to make my interior into feeling superior is my personal savior.

MEMEMEMEME

 

I don’t discriminate when it comes to purchasing: New London Pharmacy, Avignone Chemists, Clyde’s Chemists, CVS, Duane Reade, Drugstore.com, Rite Aid, Ricky’s, Walgreens, Nordstroms, Neiman Marcus, CO Bigalow, Bergdorf’s, Barney’s, Bloomingdales, Bendel’s, Saks, Sephora, Target.

If someone tells me they have a problem, I have a product for that. I am the Genius at the Product Bar if Apple had a Pharmacy. One time I was in CVS and walked a stranger thru an entire skin care regimen. He had acne, so I prescribed a Pan Oxl bar with 10% Benzoyl Peroxide, which is the highest strength without a prescription to increase his skin’s turnover. He just sent me a Christmas card with his new wife and baby and when I saw his clear skin I felt like I had been given a great gift that Holiday season.

I really love travel sized products. Every time I go to the pharmacy I buy something travel sized because they’re cute and I feel secure knowing I have another sizable product in my arsenal. Am I taking a trip soon? Absolutely not. Am I hoarding products? 100%. Do the smaller sized bottles make me feel like a doll? Never thought about it until now, but yes, yes they do.

Sometimes I wash my face and  leave my eye makeup smeared down my face. Last night I was wearing red lipstick and wiped it across my mouth with a brand new white towel and just left it like that because it made me feel like the Dark Knight and I live alone so I can do whatever I want. Who knows what tonight will hold.

I have a $700 La Prairie Cellular Serum Platinum Rare just sitting in my medicine cabinet collecting dust because at one point it appealed me. Now it’s old news. I also have a $80 bottle of anal bleaching gel I’ve never used once – just got it for a conversation piece.

I own 22 bottles of nail polishes, yet I only get manicures because I can’t paint my nails myself. I just wanted to buy them because the colors look pretty in the bottle. I have 3 bottles of shampoo in my shower, 15 bottles of lotion, 13 hair sprays and serums, 5 peanut butter MnMS and like 3 pieces of licorice.

I have two giant plastic container stores boxes filled with products which I haven’t used in years, but I have been hoarding them from apartment to apartment for the past 4 years for security purposes and official product business.

Ma’am I’m a professional, you may want to step back. 

Woman: Why are you pulling me over?

Me: I couldn’t help but to notice you were walking towards the register with that Calgon Body Souflee with Cocoa Butter.

Woman: So what, I like the smell.

Me: Exactly. While Calgon has been collecting dust on the clearance aisles for years, Alba has come up with a new Hawaiian line. Their Cocoa Butter Hand and Body lotion is incredibly nourishing and smells fucking unreal. They also are making ridiculously luscious shampoos and conditioners. I suggest the coconut or plumeria option.

Woman: Your hair is so long. What can I do to be more like you?

Me: Try Garnier Fructis Length and Strength Shampoo and Conditioner for Hard to Grow Long Hair. Also, take Viviscal, a supplement which has been specifically designed to promote existing hair growth from within.

Woman: What about an overnight pimple treatment?

Me: Mario Badescu drying lotion.

Woman: Affordable daily face wash that never fails?

Me: Cetaphil.

Woman: Best face mask which makes you glow?

Me: SK2 Facial Treatment Mask.

Woman: How do I make my bikini line softer?

Me: Exfoliate, shave, Baby oil.

Woman: How do you stay in shape?

Me: Vomiting.

Woman: How do you recover?

Me: Pedialyte.

Woman: What would I do without you?

Me: You would be buying that bad store brand dental floss. Try Oral B Glide instead… it glides so well.

 

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