BLACK FRIDAY

BEFORE SHOPPING:

I was awoken at 8:30am by some unexplainable force, which I believed to be the Gods of Shopping telling me, “Today is yours.” I rose from my bed fueled with adrenaline and excitedly marched into the bathroom.

I sat on the toilet and began to pee, when I realized there was no toilet paper. After a few seconds of consideration I decided to stop midstream to get a tissue box from the other room. Minimum dripping had been achieved.

Suddenly all of my motivation disappeared and I got back into bed.

My plan was to go to Bloomingdales, which was having a sale from 7am-1pm, followed by Victoria Secret to spend a gift card, and finishing up at Sephora for my trusty black liquid eyeliner which ran out two days ago.

I usually wear eyeliner everyday but today opted to just wear mascara so I looked innocent, while my shopping intentions were deadly. I wore sneakers, leggings and a sweater- all easy removable layers. No bra and a ponytail was my final secret weapon to distract any bisexual shoppers in my path.

AFTER SHOPPING: 

It’s now 1:47pm and I’m cooking meatballs in the oven. I’m already eating the pasta because I couldn’t wait. Pasta-less meatballs. This is what Black Friday has done to me.

To put it plainly I was on an emotional roller coaster for the past three hours. There were ups and downs: at points I wanted to laugh, others I wanted to cry. I didn’t know who I was or what I had become, but I do know that someone with a shopping addiction got ahold of my credit card with no consideration for my bank account.

I began at Bloomingdales. I pilled clothes upon clothes into my arms, sliding the hangers apart rapidly like the anti-benevolent Christ. I acted quickly as if I were a 45-year-old Ukrainian with meticulously colored blonde hair the first time at Century 21.  I trusted no one. I walked away with one pair of Rag and Bone jeans after trying on about 10 pairs. Just because there was a 30% off denim sale didn’t mean I would settle for a pair that didn’t flatter my ass the way a construction worker would.

I tried on all of these jeans and only walked away with one. I like my ass to look a certain way. I cant stand jeans that flatten my ass.

This is where the first dip in my roller coaster of emotions took place. It was the kind of dip that makes you feel like you’re heart dropped and you lose your breath. One pair of jeans did not feel sufficient for Black Friday. Feeling valiant with my credit card in the air like Mel Gibson in Braveheart holding a sword, I declared to the elevator operator, “I will scour this store until I find more purchases!” (I didn’t do that…or did I)

I frantically searched up and down the department floors, my heart sinking with every turn of the corner. I tried on a Michael Kors Mongolian-looking white fur vest, which shed long white hairs all over my black spandex. It would not come off! I felt embarrassed as I looked at Chanel from a distance and the level 4 Designer Shoes covered in fur. I had to get out of there. I wanted to cry at that moment. I felt inadequate and was covered in the white dog fur from the Little Mermaid.

I made my way downstairs to the makeup section for the new YSL foundation. As I was being rung up the sales clerk told me, “I could’ve sworn you were Russian because you are so beautiful.” A wave of relief came over my body and I proudly recited a few words in Russian. I felt like I was in a video game and got a few energy bars.

I made my way over to SK-2 to get the most amazing face masks ever!

SO GOOD

Now that I was on a roll, I decided that I needed a new pair of Rayban sunglasses because the tortoise shell matches my new hair color quite nicely. Thanks to a store promotion, I got a $45 discount. I was back!

My next stop was Victoria Secret where I had a gift card. I don’t really shop at Victoria Secret anymore, but I do like their VSX workout wear. I got a Malibu barbie hot pink workout bra and pants. I hated every staff member there. I asked one of them, “is your store having sales today?” She replied, “I don’t know. I just got here.” They were all uneducated and I didn’t see a future brighter than the dressing room lights for them.

Final stop: Sephora. I was not in the mood for bullshit and was over all the craze. I needed my Dior Blackout Mascara, Stila Liquid eyeliner and I was done. While looking for my eyeliner an overly excited male store employee approached me with eyeliner exclaiming, “OMG you HAVE to try this!” I looked at him with no remorse, patience, or genuine human emotion and said NO. He tried again, “Seriously! It’s the best!” I looked down at the no-name brand with poor packaging and an undesirable eyeliner tip and walked away. I also picked up a makeup bag and two mini eyeliners before hitting the check out counter.

At this point, walking down the street after hitting my three destinations and a little more than a couple hundred dollars bankrupt I felt nothing. I didn’t care about any of my purchases anymore. My shopping high was gone and I was crashing. I needed the makeup to put on my daily mask but nothing else was necessary. Everything I’ve done today was based on the shell of an empty, emotionless human being with a shopping addiction. By the end of my writing this I’ve also thrown up most of my lunch in a bowl beside the computer. Then I’m going to workout in my new workout clothes.

Fade to black.

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One Response to BLACK FRIDAY

  1. Luna says:

    Chelsea! I died reading this, only because I love the idea of dying young and beautiful with a smile on my face. Good lord, if that was the last thing I read on earth I’d be just fine. No buyers remorse for the wicked. Go to your dark side and call me next time when you do, mon Cherie!

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