I’m a hypochondriac.

I am the biggest hypochondriac I know. Every time I have any symptoms of any illness whatsoever, I google them and diagnose myself with a list of possible conditions. Then I start to drive myself crazy and think I have all these ailments, so I make doctors appointments and ask for a slew of tests only to find out nothing is wrong with me. Below are a few examples of when I’ve driven myself to insanity;


When I was 18, I lived in Hawaii and got really bad headaches everyday. I loved advil, the one with the sugar coating, so I didn’t mind taking them, and would everyday. Then the headaches got worse, and one day someone casually joked with me, “Maybe you have a brain tumor.” I quickly googled everything about I could find about brain tumors and realized that I met a lot of the symptoms, and since I was flying back home to NY soon, I made an appointment with my doctor. Then my doctor sent me to a hospital to get an MRI, which was a pretty crazy experience where you feel like you’re being abducted by aliens and go through this white spaceship that makes a weird ringing noise. Then it came back negative, and they said I was taking too many advils and was having withdrawals. To this day I try not to take advil anymore, because they taste too good, and once you pop you can’t stop. Pringles for anorexics. 


A few years after that I thought I had ulcers or acid reflux, and got an upper endoscopy. I didn’t have any ulcers, and just a slight case of acid reflux.


Two summers ago I was at an after-party and got a jail tat from someone (ok two different people were taking turns at 9am) after like five other people got them (the needles were switched though…or burned/sterilized…or I blacked-out….dark times, man), from some random person who was not a tattoo artist at all. It was a small heart on the inside of my foot, and it was cute, but disappeared thankfully a few months later. It didn’t hurt and I enjoyed it. Then the next day, I woke up hungover, and went to the Chelsea Free Health Clinic because I thought I had HIV and Hepatitis. It was funny, because another one of the kids were there from the party who got one of the tattoos when I got there, and we laughed when we saw each other. We both had negative results. 

Jail tat


A little bit after that I had a really bad sore throat, and went to my doctor, who said I should see an Ears/Nose/And Throat doctor, who then said maybe I should get my tonsils taken out. But I never did, and to this day they are huge and swollen in the back of my throat just chillin there. So I believe I am more susceptible to getting sick because of that.



Just two months ago, I was getting the feeling like there was something wrong with me and wanted to have all of my blood tests done. A few days later, I woke up with a sharp pain in the right side of my chest. I waited a few days, and the pain stayed for three days and then it developed into flu-like symptoms where I went from hot-to-cold all night long. I went to the doctor, because I thought I had pneumonia. That’s it, it had to be pneumonia. I heard some other people had it at the time, so I was convinced I had it. But then, I realized my mother has a hyperactive thyroid, and my grandmother had Diabetes, so I probably had both of those, and anemia because sometime it takes me a long time to stop bleeding and I bruise easily. I also wondered about my hormone levels because I stopped taking birth control, and realized I probably had low estrogen levels. I had the doctor take six viles of blood and test me extensively for everything she could think of, and then I do this thing where I torture myself for a long period of time until I get my results back and mind-fuck myself wondering what is wrong.They all came back negative, but I had Bhronchitous, and a Vitamin E+D deficiency, which is probably because I am more of a night time person. 


Then this winter, I thought my chapped lips were herpes. But then I put lip balm on and they were fine. 


Since last Thursday I have been feeling very sick. I had drank an “all natural energy booster” packet that day, and immediately felt like I was coming off of coke for eight hours. I was acting crazy, and had to pee every five seconds, could not stop laughing, and went on a tangent in my Improv class about magnum condoms. Then I felt like I had to get home and lay down because I felt sick, which I continued to until today, today, Monday. I decided when I woke up I was going to see a doctor, and it sucked because I have no health insurance right now, so I was going to have to 

pay $260, but I really believed there was something wrong with me. So I went to the doctor and described all of my symptoms, which were: fever, headache, sore throat, cough, weakness, nausea, swollen glands, low energy. She gave me a strept test, which I took like a champ, and it was negative. They sent a sample in as well to be tested because the instant ones aren’t always accurate. Then she prescribed me with a Z-Pack and said I probably had an upper respiratory infection. Then I asked to be prescribed something for the nausea. 

“What do you mean, nausea? Is it all the time or after you cough?” She asked.

“It’s all the time. I’ve been really nauseous for the past three days, all day long. It comes and goes in waves.”

Then she said I should take a pregnancy test. Noooo! A blood test nonetheless is terrifying, and I hate them because I always work myself up and almost faint. I took the test, then I was on my way to crazy town. I was living with the possibility of being pregnant and started the hypochondriac phase’ lose your mind’. This phase can last for a short time or a long time, It’s all based on how long it can take you to get your shit together. It took me six hours today. Six hours of mind torture, thinking I couldn’t find out I was pregnant until two days from now. Six hours which made me realize, ‘go get a fucking test at the store.’ So I went twenty minutes before the store closed, ran in and got that test. Then the little line stayed horizontal, and that means NOT PREGNANT. Then I was like, “fuck i’m a hypochondriac!” 


On the real though, I am a hypochondriac.

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3 Responses to I’m a hypochondriac.

  1. David says:

    HAHAHAHAHAA! Amazing! I know how you feel
    I convinced myself in the middle of the pacific ocean that I had heart disease, I did such a good job of convincing myself this that I had heart palpitations for the next 2 weeks at sea. Only to find out I just had bad anxiety and my heart was totally fine…Opps

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