I have this weird thing about hamburgers… I only like them from certain places. I used to be able to eat them from anywhere without a problem, and then I lived in the Financial District last year and discovered Wall Street Burger Shoppe. Wall Street Burger Shoppe has a great hamburger; they’re small, have a secret sauce (which is key in a delicious hamburger because it reminds me of IN+OUT), and has really good caramelized onions. They also make really good french fries, thin ones that are like fast food ones. I got spoiled off those little pieces of heaven, like an addict reaching for my needle, I reached for my cellphone and ordered them bi-weekly. They were so perfect when I was hungover. They were perfect when I was out of class at 9pm and starving. These fucking hamburgers were delicious. But then, I moved out of the Financial District, which left me in an uncomfortable situation because I didn’t know where I was going to eat my next hamburger.
After eating the Wall Street Burger Shoppe ones so much, other hamburgers started to taste like shit. They started to get this weird hamburger taste, like weird meat. The places I approve of for hamburgers are: In and Out, Shake Shack, Corner Bistro, Five Guys, McDonalds, Fridays and Wall Street Burger Shopps… and it used to be P.J. Clarke’s but I have a feeling they are in the category of ‘too hamburger-y now.’ What does ‘too hamburger-y’ mean? It’s kind of like, you can taste the fucking cow. I know that hamburgers come from cow, but it tastes like it was fresh off a cow. I didn’t see Food Inc, because I love fast food and I was afraid it’d be ruined for me, but I heard about a scene where someone walks into a meatlocker or whatever you call it and there is a cow there on a chain, and someone unscrews this little hole jar in the cow and pulls out the meat. That sounds weird and I’m not sure if I have it right, but that’s why these ‘too hamburger-y’ hamburgers remind me of…. except the other hamburgers that I mentioned above don’t. I mean, if these weird tasting hamburgers are the ones with the hormones that are making kids go thru puberty I guess I could try to force myself to eat them, because summer is coming up and I wouldn’t mind filling out my bikini top and bottom an extra size.
Since I live on the Upper West Side now, I’ve been wondering where to go to for my hamburger fix. And it really is a fix sometimes. I would go to Shake Shack, but I don’t feel like waiting in the long lines. I would go to McDonalds, but it’s embarrassing to walk in there alone because I look fat and poor. Ordering hamburgers never seems like a good idea too. I ordered one from Jackson Hole the other day, which should be renamed Shithole because their hamburger was fucking disgusting and I spit it out after one bite, because that shit tasted too hamburger-y. And I thought I remembered hearing they were known for their burgers.
This whole hamburger thing is really upsetting. Hamburgers used to be my jump off, my jimmy jam, my go-to for when I wanted something big in my mouth and no one was answering my texts. I just haven’t been really that into them lately. Things like this happen, right?! You get over something… but… hamburgers? I used to love hamburgers. I feel like me and hamburgers are on the verge of breaking up, and it’s a scary thing in this world. No hamburgers? I’m no fucking vegetarian. I shave my legs, I eat meat. It’s what I do.
I love a good hamburger bun. I fucking hate taro buns. When I lived in Hawaii they would always serve taro buns, it’s like what the fuck is this purple dinosaur bun? I ordered a fucking hamburger in America, don’t you know that hamburgers are the most American food and you’re going to fuck it up with your island taro bread? Toppings are important. I like lettuce, tomato, and onions (caramelized onions are better, but at the right place…sometimes people make caramelized onions that taste like shit because you can taste everything else that was cooked on the grill), ketchup and sometimes mustard and if they have a secret sauce, throw that shit on there too.
I need lots of napkins when I eat hamburgers because I put a lot of ketchup on them. I love ketchup. Ketchup is necessary for meat. I’m the asshole who would ask for ketchup in a steak restaurant. I put ketchup on meatballs. On the subject of meat, I like Sloppy Joes. I haven’t had one in a minute, probably since high school. I like to make them from the Manwich can, it reminds me of Billy Madison and summer camp.
Holy shit I just googled “In and Out Burgers” to add an image and that shit looked fucking delicious. I can eat two of them. What disappoints me about In and Out is their fries suck. There. I fucking said it. Don’t get all pissy on me and say “they’re so good animal style!” It’s like.. yeah they’re fucking ok animal style… but you just feel secret and privileged ordering them like that because it’s not advertised on the menu.
I don’t know when the next time I’ll be having a hamburger is, but you bet your ass it will be only at one of the locations mentioned above. If you have any other suggestions, try me, but I will most likely be disappointed and disgusted. Although, I heard Veselka has a good burger. I don’t like big burgers anymore though, they’re intimidating. Big hamburgers can be a porno cover, and I’ll be holding a measuring tape against a big hamburger making an awkward face with my mouth open looking at that big hamburger in front of my small mouth. So, if anyone wants to shoot that picture I’m down for the brown.. meat.